Thursday, January 26, 2017

The Deplorable Tyrant: Chapter Three

Chapter Three: Fake Votes

The Tyrant was not happy. The media kept misreporting the alternative facts. They kept saying 5.6 million more people voted for his opponent than voted for him. He knew the truth. He kept telling them the truth. His media representative kept telling them the truth. The media kept reporting the lies and not the alternative facts that supported The Tyrant's version of reality.

The alternative fact was simple: 5.6 million, at a minimum, fake votes were cast. There was no other explanation as to why his opponent received so many other votes. Everybody in the country LOVED him. He was WORSHIPPED by the masses.

He had decided - while Chirping away at 3 AM - that a full investigation into the fake votes needed to be started immediately, at a cost to the citizens and not the government. The Universe must understand that millions upon millions of people did not vote against him. Still, he was thankful for the archaic system that should - but luckily wasn't - have been voided centuries ago was still in existence. If not for that archaic system, his opponent would have won.

Note: The Tyrant is a purely fictional character and any resemblance to a living or deceased individual is purely coincidental. #COINCIDENTAL

Wednesday, January 25, 2017

The Deplorable Tyrant: Chapter Two

Chapter Two: Mrs. Deplorable Tyrant

Mrs. Deplorable Tyrant (hereafter known as Mrs. Tyrant) lay in bed pretending to sleep. Her husband, The Tyrant, was angrily Chirping away at all the people he believed were his enemies . . . which was pretty much everyone in the country, though he refused to admit such an obvious fact. She knew she would have to endure his presence in his bed . . . tonight at least. It was getting more difficult year after year to pretend he wasn't old, fat, and an incredibly bad lover. She always kept her eyes closed. She had opened them once - seen his horrible face - and almost screamed out in fright. Luckily, besides being beautiful, she was a good actress. He never suspected that she couldn't stand him.

He had always been a means to an end: citizenship and money. She would endure what she must to stay in this country . . . even sex with The Tyrant once per month as agreed upon in their pre-nuptial agreement. Of course, it had been more often in the beginning. She had to get pregnant. His little swimmers weren't so hearty any longer, and it took much longer than she planned. Still, she had a beautiful child who was well worth the misery she endured having sex with The Tyrant.

He finally came to bed. She pretended to be asleep. She had endured enough today, and in the last few months. She wasn't sure she could endure his feeble attempts at love-making and the question he always inevitably asked: Wasn't that the best EVER?? He always seemed to emphasize the word EVER.

Soon, she heard the sounds of his snoring. She smiled slightly and drifted off to sleep. She dreamed of attending his funeral and the looks on his children's (by other wives) faces as they learned he disinherited every last one of them.

Note: The Tyrant and Mrs. Tyrant are purely fictional characters and any resemblance to a living or deceased individual is purely coincidental. #COINCIDENTAL

The Deplorable Tyrant: Chapter One

Chapter One: Day One of the Apocalypse

January 20, 2017, a day that will live in infamy . . . and not in a good way. The Deplorable Tyrant (hereafter referred to as just The Tyrant) took his oath of office and ascended his gilded throne. Okay, it wasn't a gilded throne when he took his oath of office, nor did previous occupiers of the office ascend anything, but this is The Tyrant we are talking about. Within 37 seconds of taking the oath of office - before giving a very bad speech full of bull shit - workers went into his office, built a podium, put his chair on it and spray-painted it gold. One worker was heard to mumble Hope the paints still wet when his hine-ass sits on it. That worker disappeared and was never heard from again. 

The Tyrant didn't earn the moniker deplorable for nothing.

As The Tyrant stood before the very small crowds gathered to hear his speech that went something like this - Blah, blah, blah, I am The Tyrant you will worship me, blah, blah, blah, Screw You, I'm in charge now, blah, blah, blah, blah - he noticed one thing: the crowd was very, very small. It was nothing like the crowd gathered to witness the oath of office of his predecessor. He knew then that he would have to present alternative facts. He might even have to use pictures of the crowds gathered for his predecessor on his Chirp account. 

He was an expert at Chirping. He Chirped day and night, especially in the wee hours of the morning. He was really good at angry Chirping. He was the BEST Angry Chirper EVER.

That evening, at one of the many balls held in his honor, he showed the world that white men really can't dance. Of course, The Tyrant believed he was the Best dancer EVER! The small amount - way less than at the balls of his predecessors, unless you believe the alternative facts that The Tyrant was planning on Chirping out later in the evening . . . in an angry manner, of course - of people gathered attempted to hide their smiles as The Tyrant proved again and again and again that white men really can't dance.Well, that the white (not really, his skin had a strange cast to it, almost orangish in color, but not quite) man known as The Tyrant couldn't dance.

In the wee morning of the hours as his young wife, who he knew married him for his money and so she could become a legal citizen of the country, lay sleeping, he began to Chirp:


- The ballrooms were filled to CAPACITY. #AMAZING -

- I put the other dancers to shame. #AMAZING - 

- Can you believe those crowds this morning? #AMAZING -

- People complimented me on my dancing. #AMAZING -

- Can you believe the media is lying about the numbers attending my coronation . . . uh, swearing in ceremony? #UNBELIEVABLE -

The Tyrant Chirped away for well over an hour. He finally lay down in bed next to his wife. Today was a special occasion after all. Normally, she slept in another room. Oh, she would have sex with him, but it was funny, her eyes were always closed. She never opened her eyes when they had sex. Perhaps he should command her to do so? He was the BEST looking man EVER and an AMAZING lover. She was lucky to be able to share her life with him . . . until she started to age or gain weight. 

She wasn't his first wife and wouldn't be his last. She was only a woman. She was disposable after all.

The Tyrant closed his eyes and fell asleep. He dreamed of the HUGE crowds witnessing his swearing in ceremony and heard the resounding applause that went on for almost an hour in the aftermath of his AMAZING speech. Even in his dreams, the alternative facts took precedence.

Note: The Tyrant is a purely fictional character and any resemblance to a living or deceased individual is purely coincidental. #COINCIDENTAL